Sometimes, when couples come in for help with their relationship, they talk a lot about the content of their arguments, i.e. which one hasn’t done their fair share, who comes home from work and zones out in front of the TV while the other does the necessary household chores such as childcare, cooking and cleaning. It can become a session of finger-pointing and blame if we’re not careful, which would be a repeat of what happens at home! It seems at times that couples have been stuck in such a negative cycle that they have forgotten what is good about their relationship, and their partner!
In therapy, however, it is important to do something different than what happens at home, so at times I may interrupt, or ask someone to slow down, asking “What is happening inside you as you say that?” or “What are you noticing right now as you hear your partner say that?” Getting to the heart of the matter instead of staying on the surface of the content is where real change can occur. For instance, if one partner has repeatedly expressed the need for help, and it is ignored or promised but never given, over time that partner may start feeling uncared for and resentful. They may think “if he/she really loved me, they would see I’m struggling to get all this done and pitch in!” Or, sometimes one partner will have the expectation that the other individual should automatically know what needs to be done, never speaking directly but so very hurt when their needs/desires are not met. Over time, the feelings of resentment and feeling unloved may surface in irritability, sarcasm, withdrawal and inevitably cause a breakdown in the closeness of the couple.
Having both individuals speak to the deeper feelings allows the other to see beyond the behavior and have empathy, helping each to understand how the negative cycle is “the enemy”, not their partner. For instance, if you know that there is deep hurt, and fear that the relationship is in danger driving the distance or “shutting down” of you partner you can look at it from a different perspective. Maybe then it can be seen with empathy and not as your partner trying to be hateful and cold.
It may surprise both individuals when we really slow down to pay attention to the deeper, core feelings. They may have thought their problems were about surface topics such as uneven division of chores, or spending styles, or parenting issues. But when they understand their negative cycle as having more to do with attachment, relationship security and feeling understood and cared for, they can begin to “step out” of the negative cycle and make strides to create a positive cycle, one in which each partner feels safe to ask for what they want and need and the reassurance that there is mutual respect and care. That doesn’t mean they will never have conflict again, as that is a part of even strong, satisfying relationships. Working through conflict together, though, as a team trying to solve a problem feels much less threatening than trying to handle conflict when the negative cycle had each person feeling they were up against an enemy!
A helpful exercise to try next time you are upset with your partner is to take a moment, be curious and ask yourself “what am I really upset about?” Is it more about feeling dismissed, misunderstood or uncared for than it is about who did the dishes last? If so, bring that to your partner’s attention in a kind way, using “I” statements instead of “You never help”. Hopefully that will be a different way of discussing your concerns, and will lend itself to a better understanding between you.
To learn more about negative cycles, Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson is a wonderful tool for couples and guides them through important conversations. And, if you’ve been stuck for a long time in a difficult place in your relationship, it may be time to get profession help. Couples can and do work through difficult times, strengthening their bond and developing a mutually satisfying relationship.
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